How to Feel Okay Right Now, in a World that isn’t Okay?
Recently attorney Mark O’Mara from O’Mara Law Group interviewed our co-founder Anita Riggs to discuss how to cope with CoVid-19 and our country's continued Civil Rights movement. Here’s an abridged version on how to cope during this time.
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Anita’s Background: with over 40 years providing Mental Health services and experience spanning psychiatric, family meditation, brain health and addictions. To learn more about Anita click here.
Q: An entire population has been visited upon by this pandemic - how does it show itself in an emotional and family status? What can we do to maintain balance?
Anita: Anxiety is a normal response to loss. We are all experiencing versions of loss, loss of social interactions, loss of financial security, loss of safety and a loss of habits and rewards that are familiar and therefore comfortable.
First, I like to keep it super simple - How do you function and how do you cope in this uncertainty?
The most important outcomes we can all control is our own personal health:
Sleeping
Eating
Breathing...managing stress by breathing through stressful times
Self-care
Second, let’s discuss dealing with people. How one person copes is different from the next. I want to remind people that everybody is entitled to feel what they feel. There's no right way to feel and there's no wrong way to feel. Feelings are not the problem; its what you're going to do with the feelings that becomes problematic. How one person would experience fear with anxiety, another person might feel depressed, another person might be weepy. It varies from person to person and these days it varies from hour to hour, because we have so much exposure and so much stimuli and so many prompts in a given day and it’s truly exponentially more than we're accustomed to. It’s important to remember that the other people around us, whether it’s in your family unit, household or workplace may or may not be coping well or in the same way that you are. I am reminding my clients that this is a time to extend incredible grace to the people that you love, because we're not in our right way, right now.
We all have bad days...especially right now it’s like a pressure cooker. Ask yourself: What is the energy that I am bringing into the room right now? It’s important to take responsibility for what you are feeling and own how you are going to deliver that feeling to those around you.
Q: The saying “Rising tide lifts all boats”...I see it as rising stress lifts everybody in a bad way. How do you acknowledge your stress level as a person and/or in a group and keep it current on a daily basis?
Anita: That's what I mean by considering forgiveness and grace for those around us because there is a heightened state of instability for all of us. There's a palpable anxiety in our culture and in our community right now. You can walk outside and feel it or walk into a room and feel it more than ever. Some of us thrive in those stressful conditions, but we all have a Breaking Point and we all have a threshold for how much is too much. Others become overwhelmed and paralyzed with too much stress.
Things are changing on a daily basis and because of the world of social media, it feels like we are in a pressure cooker. During the week I can't limit my exposure (the way this nervous system needs to - i.e. my body) because I'm talking to patients all day long, I'm helping my staff, interacting with my family and I have constant exposure from the moment I open my eyes until I lay down at night. On the weekends I try to give myself a major major timeout in order to fill my cup, to fill my reserves so that I have the ability to come back on Monday and do it again. I have purposely limited my exposure on the weekends to news and social media and I get out into nature. I am intentional about how I'm using my downtime.
The other piece would be, at the end of the day we typically review the events of our day, I'm trying to not do that. I need to switch to distractions and diversions that are healthy. That's why I think the other important point is that we're used to doing things to blow off steam and cope. We don’t have our normal coping things available to us (like going to the movies or out to dinner with friends). We need to get super creative, whether that is you listening to music, watching shows (I'm sure we've maxed out on shows by now) it requires a very thoughtful consideration about how much are you willing to allow in terms of exposure. To help with sleep, I need to allow myself a period to process, to think and feel before I go to bed. I also recommend mindful meditation, which can be meditation in motion (yoga, biking, walking or gardening). This time allows me to get quiet and still. We need to create avenues for ourselves right now.
Q: Shifting gears to George Floyd, our foundations of the things that we have been taught to trust are not familiar and are not trustworthy right now - how do we live without a safety net of trust?
Anita: What I've been observing is a lot of disparity in opinions and an approach. We are at a crisis level in this country right now of proportions that we’ve never seen before. I have witnessed a lot of people trying to sell people on their opinions and position, instead of allowing a voice and a freedom to feel the way you feel and a validation of those feelings. People are entitled to feel what they feel. And there's often a position that I think people think that they're being helpful, for instance when they try to defuse a situation by telling a person how they should feel or what they should think about a particular situation, instead of validating the feeling. The feeling is real for the person who is in it. Validation is one of the single most diffusing ways to deescalate a situation.
What we have known as familiar and institutions that we have been taught to trust are not familiar and are not trustworthy right now and so we're all searching for that guidance and who to trust? Divisions also exist in family units and households. People are really desperately looking for a place to feel safe, feel comforted and feel validated. But tolerance for frustration is very low and with that comes poor impulse control.
The single most validating thing you could do when you're dealing with a crisis is to diffuse by validating the feeling. You don’t have to agree with them to validate their feeling. You can say “I hear you, I understand how you might be feeling that way, even if I don’t”. People want to feel heard and validated. People want action. The action isn’t immediate, but it starts by “I hear you and I am listening and I am willing to live in the solution with you.”.
Q: I have seen a lot of shadow behavior. I have seen an significant increase in domestic violence, child abuse, and other affirmative negative behavior. We are putting our greatest people at risk. How do we address this increase?
Anita: With things opening up, we are better able to identify these situations again. We need resources to access care. Social isolation is brutal. Help starts with facilitating the opportunities. People need an outlet. I am pleased that we are beginning to use some good sense and make available avenues for people who need it. People need an outlet to be able to talk about what's going on, to know that at least somebody's going to listen to what's happening for them right now. As creatures, we need social connections in order to thrive.
Q: Where is our silver lining?
Anita: I have heard one common refrain about some pieces of the lockdown that they liked, which was having more time to be with the people they love and the ability to be more present. Our activities were reduced. In regards to Co-Vid19 I have also heard “I feel guilty that I like it.” Introverts are relieved to chill out. It allows us all to regroup, rethink and ground ourselves. People aren’t rushing as much.
Realistically we can also get irritated or annoyed when we spend too much time with a particular person, so there has to be a balance. But for the most part I think all of us are appreciating and grateful, more than ever, for our health and that we get this extra time.
Q: With our criminal justice system, is there a light at the end of the tunnel?
Anita: People are more awake and aware than they've ever been before, in terms of bringing positive change that can be impactful. I've always maintained that “you only get to complain, if you wish to live in the solution”. In other words “you can complain, but what are we going to do to help fix the problem?”. I am especially heartened by the many many young people that we've seen out peacefully protesting and wishing to be the vital change agents right now. Change is in our hands. Call to action is the silver lining.